3 Months and …

I couldn’t begin to word out how strangled I am in this house. Yes, my family are close to one another. But it isn’t sunshine and confetti every day. There would be days, moments — usually unexpected, one of us feels down, mirroring the stuckness, out of the air, mostly brought by this lockdown. What makes this more frustrating is that going out of the house is highly discouraged, regardless of how much this solution can be of help.

There is nothing and so much going on at the same time. Nothing — since my work is up ahead and I constantly feel like there’s a need to be constantly productive. It’s funny that whenever I’m looking for work to do, some visual art pops up saying “it’s okay not to be productive.” I mean..??? On the other hand, so much — in the sense that my mental state is found always on the verge of breaking and crashing and giving up. I did not imagine I’d need a breather, not from stress nor from work, but from being stuck with having close to zero options to repel my situation.

Until March 2021, I, along with my colleagues, are designated in a work from home setup. Believe me, I’m grateful for the longer slumber and absence of traffic exposure this “new norm” provides. This luxury nevertheless is impossible to compensate the longing I would continuously have for the kids. The calmness of being outside, being with friends, taking a breather.

I feel stuck and I need to find an en route to ease this anxiousness.